I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
