walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
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He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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