Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Randomize
