How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
