great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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