I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
