I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
