Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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