i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
