I want to make a zoo with you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
