Sry I called you an 8
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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