just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
