I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
