porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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