Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
