I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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