So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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