Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
