I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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