chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
