Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
