I can tuck mytits in my pants
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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