I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
