It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
