I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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