She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
