It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
