my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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