i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
