I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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