the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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