I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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