Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
