one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Randomize
