I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
