You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
