He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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