I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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