When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
