I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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