sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
