My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
