So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
