if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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