My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
