I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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