I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
