I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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