3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I need moral support for this bender
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
