I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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