we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
