She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
