watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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