dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
