You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
