Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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