i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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