I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
