I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Every concussion has its silver lining
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
